Image: psmithy
Quotes can add dynamic elements to your story, or kill it almost instantly if you try to force them.
Earlier this week I was reading an article about an imported goods shop in New York City.
The author seemed to want to give the reader the sensory experience of being in the shop—a tiny space with lots of character, stacked from floor to rafters with barrels of olives, tins of tuna, and ropes of locally cured chorizo.
At the same time, the writer wanted to put a face on the family-owned business, and here’s where she got into trouble:
“‘Whatever you do, don’t miss the chorizo,’” Angelica beams. “‘The heart of our business is our chorizo.’”
Here’s the problem: Angelica doesn’t beam. Really, she doesn’t. The verb the writer was looking for was simple: “says.”
So often, writers worry that they’ve use “said” or “says” too much and they go looking for a substitute word. The author clearly wants to convey emotion here, but beams doesn’t seem believable. It’s just not a word we use in daily speech.
There were some other lines that showed how much the writer was struggling to find the right words:
“‘In the first years we sold 2,000 pounds of chorizo per week. Now it’s 12,000 to 15,000 pounds,’ Marcos says, smiling wistfully as he remembers his former partner, who passed away in 2001.”
Smiling wistfully?
On another note, while it’s nice to remember the former partner, neither his life nor his death drive the purpose of this piece at all and the detail is better left unmentioned. It’s an irrelevant aside because there’s nothing else about the partner in the article.
“‘When our eyes begin to water, we know the fresh onions are being chopped for the morcilla,’ ” laughs Angelica, proudly explaining why the sausages are so good.”
Angelica isn’t laughing out this information proudly. Again, the author’s trying too hard here. Show, don’t tell. And keep it simple to avoid stilted language.
Community Connection
So how do you write quotes and dialogue well? Check out David Miller’s study on How to Develop Convincing Dialogue for several examples of taking quotes to the level of an art form.
What about if you need to quote characters speaking more than one language? Teresa Ponikvar wrote a great piece recently on 5 Techniques for Writing Bilingual Dialogue.
What examples of people sounding ridiculous have you found in your reading or writing? Please share them below in the comments.
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10 Comments... join the discussion!
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“LOL,” Eva laughed appreciatively.
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Mutely, Shreya looked on. “Insert clever quote”, she thought to herself, and squared her shoulders.
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The words carry their own weight. There is no need for the author to further describe them.
These are great points.
I’m smiling wistfully as I imagine all the mistakes you must notice daily.
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That’s so true…I learned about this the hard way when I started writing my first novel. First time fiction writers do this too- they grope for more creative tags, like “extrapolated” or “affirmed” or the dreaded “ejaculated.”
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Michelle- You’re so right! Perhaps the reason is that there’s so much dialogue in fiction; writers in that particular genre are especially prone, as you pointed out, to reaching for ridiculous verbs. I suspect the stilted dialogue is one of the reasons I tend to avoid fiction.
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Great advice! Good reminder. Must stay vigilant.
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I immediately reposted this everywhere I could. “Even Myspace, which I haven’t used in a year!” Thank you for pointing out one of the things that makes me cringe.
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Thanks for the reminder about using quotes. I do my best not to use quotes, however, I think I have a tendency to go overboard. Sometimes we pickup habits from others. I’ll become more aware of “quotes” when I write :=)
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Thanks Julie, always appreciate your advice. This makes me think about the number of quotes I used for my first term paper. Thankfully, they were relevant there. But ah! the citations! okay, I’m digressing. Great post Julie, look forward to more.
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